In my experience of life and from observing family and friends, it is very hard to find a parent who hasn’t inflicted some psychological damage on their children. For some friends, the trauma is so great that the hurts and wounds have lasted into their old age. These friends were never able to forgive, a couple were able to let go, but the never healed.
Anna (not a real person) lived with her parents and 4 other siblings. She was the oldest and from a young age expected to take care of her siblings like a surrogate mother. After school every day, she would help her mother to cook and then babysit the babies. She would bathe them, change their nappies, feed them bottled mild and carry them around on her hips. She had no time to play with other girls in the neighbourhood. She would get a beating every time she fought with her brothers because she was expected to know better. Her father was an absent dad. He never came home till late or if he did, he would have dinner served to him, occasionally shout at mom or the boys and then watched tv until bedtime. Her mother was always tired and sad, so she would drink. Anna always got beatings from mom whenever she drank. Her hair was pulled, her legs were beaten with a stick and she would cry until she couldn’t cry anymore. This abuse lessened as she grew older and eventually, she move out at 18 to study in Tafe in the city. Throughout her life, Anna sought therapy, counselling and self-help workshops, to process her childhood trauma which caused her nightmares, PTSD, depression, eating disorders, anxieties, panic attacks, low self-esteem and relationship failures.
By the time Anna was 80, she attended one of my 2 weeks retreats. The retreat was held on a peaceful rural property with a creek and a valley of yellow flowers. The schedule was flexible, with majority of the time spent in meditation, with talks and QA sessions. One afternoon, as we met in the kitchen for a cuppa, we sat sitting outside watching the parrots feasting on their seeds and the sunlight filter through the trees. We sat on the couch in silence, enjoying the whole experience. After a while, Anna said, “How do you let go and forgive”.
I asked for more context and she replied. “I was abused as a child and the trauma never healed.”
I presented Anna with a picture of reality. On one hand, you have a small child, hurt and psychologically damaged. On the other hand, you have a beautiful, gentle elderly woman. I placed the both hands side by side.
“Do you think they are both the same now? Do you think the parents back then are the same people now?” I asked
“No”, Anna replied.
“Then why do you carry the hurts of the child all these years, to now?” I asked.
There were a few minutes of silence as I let that insight sink in.
“If they are not the same people, can you bless the child and forgive the parents?”
“Yes”, said Anna
Then she broke down and cried, swore and her whole-body shook.
By blessing the child, Anna was able to distance herself and stop identifying with being the child. In doing that, she has stopped carrying the wounds and able to forgive her parents. The next morning, on her 80th birthday, she gave me a hug and said, she wouldn’t need to come back next year for retreat. Anna was healed.
This method of presenting the past and present reality is particularly effective for people with childhood traumas.
Knowing that each moment of experience is different and never the same is a powerful insight. The me that exists today has the imprints of yesterday but is totally different from the me of yesterday. It is this seemingly constant sense of self that carries the hurts and traumas.
If we can reset each day, we’ll be able to see life as fresh and curious like a child.
Forgiveness .
In people as well as in ourselves
Sift the sand and see the diamonds.
The key is where we focus our attention.
Making forgiveness easy.
- When the person we have difficulty with doesn’t behave correctly
but their speech is good. In this case they are like a dirty cloth found on the street. We cut out the clean, whole section and leave the rest behind.
Similarly, with difficult people, we focus on the redeeming part of their speech and ignore their behaviours.
In this way we can forgive and let go.
- If the person’s behaviour is moral but he swears, they are like a pond slimy with algae. We push the slime away and drink the clean water underneath.
Likewise, we ignore their improper speech and only pay attention to their pure actions. Seeing them like this, we can forgive and protect our peace.
It is not enough to just be moral occasionally.
It is for our benefit to forgive at all cost.
- If that person is amoral in both behaviour and speech
but occasionally enters deep meditation. They are like a lump of cow dung with a tiny pool of water in the middle. We ignore this person’s impure body, speech, focusing only on their occasional stillness. They are worthy of forgiveness.
- If this person is impure in both body and speech and can’t meditate at all. They are like a sick person. We arouse compassion and help him however we can; therefore our ill intentions are subdued.
- If This person is pure in all aspects, body, speech and mind. They are like a clear, clean pond with shaded trees around the bank. We are inspired by their purity and any malicious intentions are subdued.
It is not enough to just be moral occasionally.
It is for our benefits to forgive at all cost.
This, concludes the 5 ways of how to focus only on the positive in people. It is paramount that we keep our mind wholesome as it is the antidotes to arising negative kamma. These 5 ways protect and nurture our fragile heart qualities.
Please note: forgiveness and seeing the treasures in people do not mean excusing their abuses and exploitations.
It is purely for maintaining our wholesomeness.