Black was my hair, with a tint of glittering red
Down to the hip, waving, flowing like a waterfall
I am my hair, as beautiful as it is
The little gesture, the hidden veil
It’s incredible how many identification complexes are centred around one’s hair, especially for an Asian woman. The unspoken statement of I’m cultured, I fit in, I’m kind and gentle, I’m a good girl. That’s the projection I have within myself. That’s how I want people to perceive me. That’s my identity and self-worth.
Around 2015, I’ve been practicing for 20 years, I felt stuck in my practice and tired of playing the woman’s role. So, decided to shave my hair off to see what would be gone and what would be left behind. It was at the local hairdresser. Since it wasn’t for any cause besides my experiment or by any religious authority and from long length; the shock was huge. I remember looking at myself in the mirror as she shaved. My eyes were wide and moaned in my head “What have I done!” Yet, in moments of calm and meditation, I felt pure, light, more like a person than an identity.
That night I had a dream. On my little suburban land, there was a house and a shed. I dismantled and removed the shed and a gush of clean, fresh water rushed in, making a stream. I could see many beautifully coloured fishes swimming. Waking up, I realized that shaving my head was like removing that shed. It was the identity I had erected and constructed. Then came the next realization, what is the house then?!
Although my head was shaven, I wore normal clothes, T-shirt and jeans. Walking around shopping, going to work, just a normal day. To be just a person instead of being a woman, takes courage.
My head is bald, hair shaven
Attention, attention everywhere
A smile- maybe I’m under chemo
A look of awe – maybe I’m Buddhist ordained
A look of disgust- maybe I’m adulterous
None
Just perception, perception.
It’s fascinating to witness other people’s projections, assumptions and reactions based on their cultural conditioning. None of it is true. I’m just very committed to my path and willing to go to any length, within reason, to achieve my goal.
An onion has many layers and so too does the sense of self. The identities or roles we believe in and project to different people or in different situations, need to be seen through, accepted and let go of.
Looking back, I can only see in terms of insight as far as my feet landed, taking very small steps at a time. I’m educated, I love reading and I’m confident I understood a decent amount of Dhamma.
But, this is how it unfolded; of the accumulated knowledge, very little actually counted. Just because I know books, doesn’t mean I can see the whole picture of the Dhamma. I can only see little pieces of the puzzle, enough to join to the next little piece. For example, by now I know in detail about the 8-fold path, the 4 noble truths, jhanas, arupas, aggregates, 6 senses, dependent origination ect…These remain knowledge because they don’t result in the progress of jhanas or transformation of the mind or changes in behaviours.
Shaving my head was the right act at the right time because all that pretense, role playing and projections, needed to stop. Shedding another layer of the onions of society roles and identity, I’m lighter, a little less limited and closer to my goal, Nibbana.